When I was learning to drive, my dad would say, “quit jackrabbiting!” Punching the gas and then the brake is many a young driver’s approach to maintaining a steady speed. I did it with the added challenge of a standard shift clutch. Hashtag whiplash.  

Sometime in the 70’s my grandfather, a lover of luxury sedans, got himself a car with cruise control. He would get on the highway, look at me out of the side of his eye, and say, “watch this…” and he would put his foot up on the seat. The foot on the seat was the parlor trick for cruise control. It didn’t really impress me as much as he would’ve liked. He may have miscalculated that I was only nine years old and had no awareness of where your feet were supposed to be when you were driving. But that was a handy memory for me when my jacked up driving drove my dad mad. I needed cruise control!

Today was updose day. Every other Monday is updose day. After five months, it finally feels routine. I picked Coleman up from school, got on the interstate, set the cruise, and settled in for the drive. And of course I started thinking…

“Hey something’s missing here. Where did my anxiety go? Today is 200mg! I’m not panicking. I’m not calculating the numbers. I’m not running the play by play for what to do if something goes wrong. I’m not thinking about the sights and sounds and smells of the hospital room. I’m just cruising.”

When you flip on the cruise control, you’re handing over the responsibility for maintaining a steady speed. I have stopped and started and yanked and halted my accelerating anxiety from the very first day we began this clinical trial. The people ahead of me and behind me and beside me; my supporters, my friends, my sensibility squad… they have witnessed my starts and stops and shifts. I’m not doing myself or them any favors by jackrabbitting. It’s time to cruise. 

I’m thankful for cruise control. It reminds me to hand over the responsibility. I put my foot on the gas and the brake way, way, way too much. Maintaining the speed, the constant, the calm… I have to give that responsibility to God. I have my part to do, of course I do. Focus on faith, nurture the testimony, pray for my son and God’s glory. And if I catch myself jackrabbitting, I’ll try putting my foot up on the seat.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” 1Peter 5:6,7

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